Dear African Men

I once had a conversation with a married African man who said, “I can cheat on my wife, but my wife can’t cheat on me. The reason is that as a man, I will reconcile with her and continue with the marriage, but when she cheats, she is leaving my house, as that is the right order of things.” He even added that a man has the right to cheat, but a woman doesn’t. I tried my best to make him see reasons why cheating is wrong, whether from a man or a woman. He disengaged from the conversation, believing whatever the society has sold to him. It is a shame that we are in the 21st century, but we don’t act like it in some matters. I am not surprised because so many men hide under the umbrella of “men are polygamous in nature,” which is total bullshit to me. The more they engage in affairs outside their relationships, the more women will retaliate and want to cheat back. Even women have affairs these days. Who will win this race? It is paramount to understand that you will always meet someone in the future who is smarter, richer and finer than your partner, therefore it is your responsibility to be disciplined and be faithful to your partner. I see richer and more handsome men everyday, does that give me the right to go outside my marriage? If you have chosen to marry someone, you should continue to be faithful to that person.

My dear African men, African women love you, but you must understand that provision is the barest minimum that you can do for your woman. Most of you men believe that once you are dropping money on the table, then that is where your duty ends. This act was effective in the past, when the men worked and the women stayed at home. In this age and time, where women work too, you should also adapt. Do chores in your matrimonial home and don’t leave everything to your wife in the name of “I am a man.” Gone are the days when men sit and watch football, while the woman cleans the whole house, bathes the kids, and still cooks later. Your wife is not your housemaid; your wife is your partner. Homes will keep breaking if we don’t restructure our mindsets. Who pays for these broken homes? I am sure that we know the answer to that question.

“My mother always held the bowl for my dad to wash his hands.” “My mother cooked, cleaned, washed the plates, and still went to the farm with my father.” “My mother knew that my father had affairs, but she never complained.” “My mother left my father in charge of the family’s financial account.” These are some of the sentences African men say to their wives when comparing them to their mothers. Your mother is your mother and your wife is your wife. They are two different human beings, and both of them cannot be the same. Your mother’s generation is different from your wife’s generation, and the earlier you understand that, the better for the society. Your mother was able to do those things without complaining because that was their value system at the time. They probably didn’t ask questions, or maybe they did but were never heard. Now this generation of women has refused to be subdued, and they are standing for what is right. Present men want the privileges of how the past men lived with a touch of the present benefits in the current society. You cannot have it both ways. You cannot expect your wife to work 9-5 and still come home to do all the chores at home. It is either you join in the chores, or you outsource them by hiring people to do the work. If you want to be treated as a king, then act like one.

I still want to commend the African men who are getting it right. They are the kings to their queens, and other African men should learn from them. Men must learn to create a safe environment for the women in their lives. Nowadays, some women don’t aspire to marriage because of how scary marriages are these days. If the only thing that a man has to offer is provision, and I can comfortably provide for myself, why get married then? This is to make you understand that women need more than provisions from you.